Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Loozyannites can have their TurDucKen, I think we might be having RacPosUnk for our Thanksgiving (for everyone except the aboriginal denizens of our fair nation) Feast, again this year.
First off, you go out to some busy stretch of highway (NY 481 or I-81 in my area) and watch for sudden braking or swerving--or if you're looking for "aged" meat, flocks of crows or turkey buzzards--as that indicates that the larder is being stocked. Investigate the scene. The ideal candidate for the project would be a big ol' raccoon boar--the fatter the better, an adolescent possum and a cute little, baby skunk (no, you may NOT use teh unstriped, unscented kittehs for this dish!). It is difficult at times to identify some of the ingredients* but that's part of the fun!

Once you have harvested, cleaned and arranged your main ingredients it is a good idea to marinate them in a mixture of fines herbes, orange and lemon slices, several cloves of garlic and enough 190 Proof grain alcohol to cover. Allow the mixture to macerate for several days and, after removing the meat from the marinade, reserve the marinade for sauces and gravies.

Having previously gutted, skinned and boned the animals it is the work of just a few moments to remove any scent glands and any stray bits of road surfacing materials that may have been worked into the skin**.

It is best to assemble and cook this delicacy on the deck or in the yard. While oven roasting is certainly an acceptable method we here at democommie.fud&spyritz, ltd., recommend placing the assembled RacPosUnk on a spit and roasting it in front of a roaring fire of old pallets, construction lumber cut-offs***, heirloom furniture and the like. For those who are more traditionally minded, the 10 gallon vat of 375 degree fat (beef suet gives WAY more flavor than that insipid peanut oil, goddamn those killjoy cardiologists!)****.

Side dishes may include whatever tickles your fancy. I lean towards the tater tots simmered in Guiness Stout, the Cheetos Au Gratin (Velveeta, the WD-40 of cheese, where would be without it?) and, of course, The Jim Beam Candied Yams--if they're made with the right amount of Jim Beam they can actually double as emergency stove fuel in the event of a power outage!.

After all of the work of prepping and cooking the entree du jour and the "sides", you're prolly gonna just wanna have a simple dessert like Ho-Ho's, Ding-Dongs or maybe something seasonal like the Hostess SnoBalls in yule colors.

Well, I hope this holiday menu guide has been of some help in your party planning.

Just remember; if you're all sittin' out in back, jawin', chawin', spittin', sippin' and shootin' squirelz and crazy Uncle Lem comes barrelin' off the back porch with that screechin' harpie, Cloris hot on his heels, hogleg in hand, blazin' away--which consternation causes Lem to run right THROUGH the dadgummed fire, knockin' over the fryer,  scatterin' embers and RacPosUnk bits everywhere and leaving a trail of liquid fire as he races towards the relative safety of the swamp--ya allus got the GRAVY!

UPDATE:  I received a helpful tip, from one of the several voices in my head, suggesting that if there is a shortage of skunks in your neck of the woods that you might want to use one of the several recently unelected reptilican critters. The texture may be a bit different, but they smell the same.

*        It is not possible to assemble this dish from "Interstate Pudding" and cornstarch, heaven knows, I've tried.

**      I find that I actually like the "flavor note" of a tiny bit of asphalt paving, otoh, I abhor the bitterness of Portland cement, ymmv on this

***    Let's be careful this year. Last holiday season saw far too many trips to the ER for cases of poisoning of our Chef's du Garage because they didn't pick out that lovely green lumber (treated with more hazardous chemicals than a Hostess Twinkie) before setting the pile alight.

****  Kitchen tip:  When testing the fat to see if it's the correct temperature, dip a small piece of the offal into the fat--DO NOT IMMERSE A FINGER OR TEST IT ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR WRIST!!

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