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Thursday, November 20, 2008

I guess summer IS over.

I got back from a week of visiting friends on the MA and NH seacoast and found a foot or so of wet heavy snow in my yard. Too.damned.early.for.this.shit. Oh, well. I had a a good time sleeping around and yakkin' with pals. I would have liked to visit some folks I keep meaning to spend time with, but there were certain things over which I had little or no control. I need to return a rental car, pick up insulation and get back to work. So, all you're getting now is this poem: Appetite When I was young I was so hungry, I had such a great hole in my soul. I gorged myself on hatred and self-loathing, feeding on the rage until my heart was as bloated and hard as a blood filled tick. I became so ill. I nearly died. People in my life tried to give me love, but there could never be enough, because I didn't know what "enough" felt like. It tasted so good, love did, that I wanted to take everyone's away; not leaving them any, I was so greedy. Too nice, too rich, too much. So I went on the "I don't need anybody" diet. It works pretty well, most of the time. I just keep telling myself that my hunger for love will pass; that loneliness is bearable, that the pangs of longing will fade, that I'm better off alone. Then I see you, we speak, I learn your name; I learn to expect your welcoming smile. It's like that old potato chip commercial one is not enough, I want them all I remember how good it felt to be a part of someone's life. I forget the sense of loss that came with partings. I feel like singing for my supper but, if I open my mouth, it will be to scream out my need. I must remember that hunger is not starvation; that satisfaction has more to do with restraint, less to do with gluttony. I want to taste the sweet, bitter, salty, sour, crunchy, soft and chewy that life offers. I want to know the difference between enough and too much. 12/30/00

7 comments:

Mr. Mack said...

Who wrote that?

democommie said...

Mack:

Me.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done!

sharon said...

{sigh} Ain't it the truth.....

Fran said...

WOW!

Bukko Boomeranger said...

Sadly, all of what you describe is the result of being abused early. It warps the soul when it's not fully developed, like what happens when a fat man tries to climb a sapling. And the warpage spreads out from the victim unto the further generations THEY victimise, multiplying the pain exponentially.

I think that's the real explanation for Reichpublicans. They were fucked from childhood, literally. To your credit, you've tried to overcome the soul-damage.

sharon said...

I don't know if there's a correlation with Republicanism--but it would make an interesting study. Maybe someone can get the new HHS Department to fund it.

But I do know that insufficient mothering and/or fathering is something you never really get over. If there were a "cure" it would have been packaged and sold for vast quantities of money. Oh. Wait. I guess that's what talk therapy is.