Thursday, November 20, 2008

I guess summer IS over.

I got back from a week of visiting friends on the MA and NH seacoast and found a foot or so of wet heavy snow in my yard. Too.damned.early.for.this.shit. Oh, well. I had a a good time sleeping around and yakkin' with pals. I would have liked to visit some folks I keep meaning to spend time with, but there were certain things over which I had little or no control. I need to return a rental car, pick up insulation and get back to work. So, all you're getting now is this poem: Appetite When I was young I was so hungry, I had such a great hole in my soul. I gorged myself on hatred and self-loathing, feeding on the rage until my heart was as bloated and hard as a blood filled tick. I became so ill. I nearly died. People in my life tried to give me love, but there could never be enough, because I didn't know what "enough" felt like. It tasted so good, love did, that I wanted to take everyone's away; not leaving them any, I was so greedy. Too nice, too rich, too much. So I went on the "I don't need anybody" diet. It works pretty well, most of the time. I just keep telling myself that my hunger for love will pass; that loneliness is bearable, that the pangs of longing will fade, that I'm better off alone. Then I see you, we speak, I learn your name; I learn to expect your welcoming smile. It's like that old potato chip commercial one is not enough, I want them all I remember how good it felt to be a part of someone's life. I forget the sense of loss that came with partings. I feel like singing for my supper but, if I open my mouth, it will be to scream out my need. I must remember that hunger is not starvation; that satisfaction has more to do with restraint, less to do with gluttony. I want to taste the sweet, bitter, salty, sour, crunchy, soft and chewy that life offers. I want to know the difference between enough and too much. 12/30/00

7 comments:

Mr. Mack said...

Who wrote that?

democommie said...

Mack:

Me.

Dave von Ebers said...

Nicely done!

Sharon said...

{sigh} Ain't it the truth.....

Fran said...

WOW!

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Sadly, all of what you describe is the result of being abused early. It warps the soul when it's not fully developed, like what happens when a fat man tries to climb a sapling. And the warpage spreads out from the victim unto the further generations THEY victimise, multiplying the pain exponentially.

I think that's the real explanation for Reichpublicans. They were fucked from childhood, literally. To your credit, you've tried to overcome the soul-damage.

Sharon said...

I don't know if there's a correlation with Republicanism--but it would make an interesting study. Maybe someone can get the new HHS Department to fund it.

But I do know that insufficient mothering and/or fathering is something you never really get over. If there were a "cure" it would have been packaged and sold for vast quantities of money. Oh. Wait. I guess that's what talk therapy is.